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Ahhh, where to begin?
I was only a tender 19 years old in 1998 when I brought my first son into the world almost sixteen years ago. I woke around 2 am, on his due date (rare) with a pain just above my belly button that I thought was just gas due to the subway sandwich I'd eaten before bed around midnight, LOADED with jalapenos. The pain kept coming regularly so I got out of bed and woke my sister that was living with me at the time. Funny to think about now, because even then I was drawn to being outside. I threw on some shoes and a robe to walk down the road a bit, to see if the pains continued, and they did. Off to the hospital we went.
Upon my arrival I was given a vaginal exam that revealed I was dilated to a one and effaced a bit. They hooked me up to the monitors to see how baby was doing and to measure the intensity of my contractions. I was then asked to walk around a bit. I walked for about 2 hours or so with my Mom, Dad and sister. My Husband at the time had worked night shift so he was at home sleeping. After my two hour walk that gave me some good contractions, they decided it was time to "speed things up a bit" and put Cytotec under my cervix. It's a medicine that is supposed to intensify and make contractions more frequent. My husband was called at work and told to come to the hospital at this point. I stayed in the bed and when things got more intense I begged for the epidural. I was only dilated to a three but my doc decided that was okay. As soon as the epidural was placed, my water was manually broken. Next exam revealed I was dilated to a five, five and a half. My son started to d-cell (drop in heart rate) with each contraction. They had me get into different positions to see if that helped. It did not. I was rushed off for an emergency c-section.
In the O.R it was discovered that the umbilical cord was over the top of his head like a head band.. so each time his head would press against my cervix during a contraction, pressure was put on the cord which would make his heart rate drop. I laid there, strapped to a table, hearing my son cry, out of my view. Could not touch him. A quick kiss on his forehead after they did all the unnecessary but usual hospital procedures and they took him out to the nursery. I finally got to hold my son 30 minutes later after everyone else got to ooh and ahh over him first.. He was beautiful.. all 7 lbs 7 oz of him.
Bonding was not easy. I hurt so badly for the next three weeks and suffered quite a bit with postpartum depression. Nothing prepares you for the pain you feel during the recovery of that first c-section. Mine was unbearable. I only nursed him for 2 months as I didn't have much of a support system or the knowledge of how important breast feeding was. With the postpartum depression, the bottle and formula route seemed like the answer at the time.
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With my second child I had no knowledge, at 23 years old, of the importance of a vaginal birth.Opting for a routine repeat c-section, I gave birth at 36 weeks and 3 days to a very small, very beautiful little 6 lb 3 oz girl on a hot August day in 2002. My doctor (same one from my son's birth) said that if I could come down and give him a few good contractions on the monitor, that he would "take her out" that day. What an awful, irresponsible doctor. What a naive young woman I was to listen to and trust him. I nursed my little nugget for 3 months this time.. still, without much of a support system and my lack of maturity.
A few years go by. Two kiddos and a bitter divorce later, i met my Husband, Chris, on October 15th, 2004. I had no idea what he looked like until he picked me up for our first date. We'd met on cupid.com and I had a profile picture, but he did not. We emailed and talked on the phone only 3 days (or maybe 2?) before the initial date. My first words to him as he walked up my Mom's driveway were,"Oh my gosh, thank God you're gorgeous." lol..
We married on September 9th of 2006. Although I knew I wanted to have his babies the moment I met him, it took some convincing and time until I finally got pregnant with my 3rd baby, our first child together.
I believed that it was once a c-section, always a c-section.. but I still decided to ask my new OB if I could VBAC. I was told no. I asked why not. I was told hospital policy, given horror stories of uterine rupture and talked out of my desire right away.
My 3rd baby, 2nd daughter, was born on a cold December day in 2009, a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks 1 day. We had somewhat immediate skin to skin and she didn't leave my side from the moment she was born. I insisted upon that one. I got it. Funny how that works, eh? My chunky little 7 lb 14 oz purple flower was nursed until she was 23 months. :) Would have been longer if I had known a certain medication I thought i "needed" was unnecessary.
My Husband, who had initially never wanted children, now came to me asking for a second child. He's such an amazing Dad, handsome as can be, hard worker, great to me and all our kids.. OF COURSE I wanted another baby with him!
I hired a female OB this time, thinking she might understand my desire for a vbac. Once again, I was told no.
My 4th baby, 3rd beautiful little girl was born at 38 weeks by c-section because I went into labor... which actually could have been labor that lasted a couple more weeks, knowing what I know now. She was placed on my chest once they vigorously rubbed all her precious vernix off and wrapped her up. I promptly unwrapped her and put my 7 lb 15 oz baby girl skin to skin as they wheeled us to my room. There, we nursed and snuggled for the next 2 days before going home early. I got tired of being told I couldn't sleep with my baby on my chest, which i did anyway. My milk came in the day we left the hospital! Fastest time ever! She was nursed until my milk dried up at 16 weeks with my current pregnancy. We hope to tandem nurse come October!
Here's where you may need to get out some tissues because i know I will have to.
On a hot day in June, I felt sick to my stomach. I thought it was just the heat. I took a home pregnancy test and immediately, two dark pink lines. My 4th baby was only just about to turn one!! I woke my husband and bawled my head off. A surprise, but very wanted baby. That night I started spotting but thought nothing of it because I knew it could be normal. I was very tired for the next week before the morning sickness hit. Still spotting, i decided to go have my hormone levels checked. It was a Friday. On Monday I went in and had them checked a second time and they were continuing to rise. I was sicker than a dog but then the bleeding became heavier. I went in for an ultrasound to determine where the bleeding was coming from. I went by myself because my Husband had to stay home with our girls. During the scan I chatted with the tech and glanced at the screen and said, "I see a baby!" :) She replied, "yes, i see something, too" without much emotion behind it. Waiting in the curtained cold room in the E.R, a nurse came in and said the doctor would be right in. I was nervous but still hopeful that this wasn't what I suspected. The doctor came in and said he was sorry to inform me that I was indeed miscarrying. That my baby didn't seem to be what they thought they would see at 12 weeks 3 days gestation, and there was no heart beat. I lost it. I still can't type this without crying. I went home and walked in the door.. and tried walking straight past my husband and the girls.. I can't remember what made me mad, but I turned to my husband and said, "Excuse me for being a little emotional, but our baby is dead inside of me!!!" I know in my heart that baby was a boy. The Chinese Gender chart that has been right on all of my babies said the same. We named him Noah Christopher. We think about him all the time. No one as much as me though. It was the day before my 4th baby's 1st birthday that I had the D&C for possible retained placenta. I still decorated the entire kitchen, baked cupcakes and took pictures even though we didn't have people over. I wanted my baby to have a good birthday. We thought we were all done having kids until Noah surprised us with his presence... so we decided to try just one more time.
The doctor told me I should wait 3 months before trying again. July, August, September... excruciating and painful to wait. October, November, December, still not pregnant? Why!? January... *sigh* .. February, Ground Hog Day. BAM!! BIG FAT POSITIVE! I was so scared but hopeful! Would my body deceive me again? Dare I get excited? I did. Couldn't help myself.
I knew this time I wanted things to be different. I just didn't know how. I met a friend online that had a free birth at home after two c-sections. Whaaaat? Really!? That's awesome!! I spoke to my Husband about it. He was not on board for the unassisted home birth. Then I happened upon a group on Facebook that was full of women that had had natural births after MANY c-sections. Some had them in hospitals, some with midwives at home. Knowing the hospital policies around here where I live, i knew a midwife was the way I needed to go. I started my research on the risks of a 5th c-section vs. a vba4c. Being under the impression that having a home birth after four c-sections was illegal, I thought I needed to be hush hush. I asked in one group I'm a part of if anyone knew of a midwife in my area. One midwife in the group put me in touch with a doula that lives a few hours from me. I messaged her and she gave me the name of a midwife just 30 minutes away. Color me excited!
I messaged this midwife and told her my history. She said she would talk to her precessor and get back to me. She messaged me back not much longer after that and said they would love to come meet me. I actually jumped up and down and did a happy dance right there in my living room.
My two lovely midwives talked with me and actually listened to everything I said, in detail, for over an hour. Then they said I could absolutely have a natural birth at home and they would love to help me out. I was in shock! I thought I had to sell myself and pray they'd accept me as a client! So many women I had talked to from other states had such a hard time getting their VBACs. Even with home birth midwives, they were often turned away. I was so happy!! I'm finally getting my natural birth i've always dreamed of!! OH! And I DID NOT have to keep it quiet because home birth with midwives after many c-sections is not illegal in my state.
I'm currently 31.5 weeks and anxiously (a good anxious) awaiting October. Hmmm... October. Remember the day I met my Husband? October 15th? Our very first son together, his due date is Oct 15th. Exactly ten years to the day that we met!! How awesome is that?!
I can't say that I am not scared. There have been times where I let fear and doubt creep in a little.. but I trust God and know my body is capable, it's just never had the chance. Really,I just can't wait. I really enjoyed the times I got to labor with my first and fourth babies. I cannot wait until labor starts with this little man in my belly. We're naming him Christian Noah. A version of his Daddy's name and a tribute to his older brother that we lost.
It's going to be amazing.
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